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  1. I regained most of my memories about my participation in MK-ULTRA about 30 weeks ago. I began remembering 9 years ago.
    I am very moved by your testimonies and would like to reach out as friend. My story is somewhat unique in comparison to other’s stories I have been investigating in trying to research the subjects surrounding MK-ULTRA when my husband requested me to research this subject in the early 2000’s. I am still grieving a lot for that small child I was, and though I am, I believe, far removed from the devastating consequences of remembering trauma as Katy and others have, I believe that my programming as an A was done specifically so I would be able to function in a different capacity as witness to the events I remember mostly in detail now with no memory of the pain or trauma responses to somebody who has survived MK-ULTRA with memory intact.

    I also suffer with a dissociative disorder, but my personality was left intact. I do not have separate personalities, though the one that I am can experience every shade and nuance of emotion and psychological response a single person could feel, when I can feel emotions directly. I am still learning how to feel directly and in the moment, and not vicariously through other emotional states such as depression or rage. I have been in this process since October of 1972, and I continue to heal inwardly. I have always had to walk my journey alone and deeply lonely. It would be nice to not always feel isolated in my experiences. This is partly why I am reaching out.

    I am acutely aware that I am also a targeted individual, so I leave the choice of reaching out in return to the individual(s) who seek friendship in return with me to consider their recovery needs primary above my need for community with others like us, because I am considerably older and I have known the circumstances of my demise since winter of 1974. So know that I have a responsibility to leave any who would know me more intimately the choice of how much more trauma they feel comfortable in exposing themselves to. I feel strongly that it is of imperative necessity for you younger survivors to speak out what you actively know and remember because time is running out for the public to open their hearts and repent for their laxity in connecting with the reality of life in America under the military-industrial complex we were warned about by President Eisenhower as he exited office, and when President Kennedy was attempting to address to the American people in his final days immediately before he was eliminated from office and publicly executed. I have a slightly different take on our mutual suffering than most survivors of MK-ULTRA as an older survivor of the program, and it is my hope for all of us that my life story and survival story might bring a message of hope for all the prisoners to the darkness of this world.

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